If F1 Was Ruled By … Pit Lane Reporters

Running around during the race in 40 degree temperatures carrying 20kg of equipment only to get insulted by racing drivers would make anyone want to change the status quo. So what would happen…

IF F1 WAS RULED BY… PIT LANE REPORTERS

1. The question ‘what happened’ would not be regarded with the same degree of disgust as if I’d asked just how broad-minded your girlfriend is. A sensible answer please…

2. When the pit lane reporter is giving a long and detailed explanation of the exact shape and consistency of the graining appearing on the rear tyres of the car in 22nd position, the idiot commentator shall not interrupt to scream about the lead changing hands when the car in front has an explosive suspension failure. I mean, who’s the real star here?

3. When asked ‘what happened?’ a driver’s response shall never contain the words "we need to get the car back to factory" or "we need to look at the data to analyse what went wrong", especially when said car disappeared off track with a long rooster-tail of thick dark smoke pouring from its fiery engine.

4. The word ‘scrum’ will be banned from the lexicon of words associated with pit lane reporting. Form an orderly queue please!

5. Team press officers will never be allowed to look blank and confused when asked about a problem with a car. Isn’t that what those headphones are for? Or are you just listening to Girls Aloud on your iPod again.

6. The idiot commentator will NEVER say the words "now, let’s go across to the pit lane where our reporter has some news", without checking first whether I am in pit lane or actually sitting in a team motor home enjoying a glass of red wine while chatting up the catering girls.

7. When the inevitable radio signal failure occurs (because the vast array of microwave communications device the teams bring interfere with the pit lane reporter’s radio signal), the idiot technician will never again make the pit lane reporter fix a radio mast to his head with sticky tape in bid to improve reception…